Gold or PlatinumI’ve always found Genesis 2:18 a fascinating verse in the Bible. God places Adam in the Garden of Eden to take care of it then comments, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." What strikes me about the verse is the bit about Adam being alone … here Adam is in the Garden of Eden, in perfect relationship with God, and yet he’s alone. God responds by making “a helper” for Adam. But this isn’t just any helper; God creates someone who matches up with … who corresponds to … who literally and figuratively fits Adam. While it would be easy to suggest that how God created male and female differently is purely a sexual thing … something limited to procreative needs … this view fails to grasp the heart of what God says. Notice, God didn’t create Eve because Adam needed to sire children … God created Eve because Adam was lonely. In other words, the differences between men and women are more than physical … they are also relational. God planned it so that when men and women come together as He intended, it results in the whole being more than the sum of the parts. Author Shaunti Feldhahn writes about her discovery of this reality in her new book, For Women Only: What You Need To Know About the Inner Lives of Men. The seed for the book was planted while doing research for a fictional work and trying to authentically present a Christian man’s desperate attempt to control his sexual thought life. While she had assumed that this character’s struggle was rather unique, after interviewing a few men she quickly discovered just the opposite … very few men, even happily married Christian men, are free from this challenge. This discovery led to others that ultimately resulted in a statistical survey on the relational needs of men. In the end she boiled down the data into seven surface traits that exist in the vast majority of men … surface traits that rest on the foundation of a man’s basic relational needs. What really threw Shaunti for a loop though is how the relational needs of men are often polar opposites of those expressed by the majority of women. Here’s the list as found on page 15 of the book: Our Surface Understanding What This Means in Practice ”Men need respect” Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. “Men are insecure” Despite their “in control” exterior, men often feel like imposters and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered. “Men are providers” Even if you personally made enough income to support the family’s lifestyle, it would make no difference to the mental burden he feels to provide. “Men want more sex” Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life. “Men are visual” Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women. “Men are unromantic clods” Actually, most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways) and want to be romantic – but hesitate because they doubt they can succeed. “Men care about appearance” You don’t need to be a size 3, but your man does need to see you making the effort to take care of yourself – and he will take on significant cost or inconvenience in order to support you. My theory is that Shaunti’s discoveries point directly toward elements of Adam’s aloneness. She identified the relational needs that are part of man’s very fabric of being … needs that can only be fulfilled by the one made as “a helper fit for him.” I would even argue that many of a man’s sinful behaviors are spurred by him trying to satisfy these relational needs within a context other than the one God designed. Moreover, when we realize that there is also a corresponding set of needs for women that can only be fulfilled by her husband, it significantly impacts how couples should relate to each other. In brief, it shouldn’t be about gold, it should be about platinum … let me explain. Most of us are taught the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” It sort of becomes a general guide to life, and it’s a good principle to follow … most of the time. For the first few years of our marriage, my wife and I functioned under this Golden Rule principle … she would treat me the way she wanted me to treat her and I would treat her the way I wanted her to treat me. The problem is, because we have radically different relational needs, we both failed to provide what the other person needed … often resulting in both of us feeling alone, even though we were together. To put it more bluntly, after reading Shaunti’s book my wife declared, “I always thought you were being a jerk, now I realize you’re just a guy and guys have different needs.” In contrast to the Golden Rule, the Platinum Rule says, “Do unto others as they want done unto them.” In other words, treat people the way they want to be treated. One of the easiest examples to point to in my wife’s and my relationship relates to the surface understanding about appearance mattering ... it concerns her wardrobe. Now, historically my wife has been the ultimate bargain shopper with clothes that were nice, but nothing spectacular. One of the motivating factors behind this is her relational need for security … a need that is fulfilled by being held, having me at home, and having money in the bank. She simply assumed I had the same security need and made a point of only buying clothes that would support that need. However, when she recently finished her undergrad degree, a friend of ours decided to take her shopping for a graduation outfit. Before they went, our friend asked me what my wife looks best in … what features the clothes should hide or highlight. A couple days later when my wife walked in from shopping, she set down her bags (notice, there were many of them) and declared, “No more frump for me!” Then she proceeded to put on a fashion show … one featuring her new wardrobe … a wardrobe of items specifically chosen to grab my attention. As she finished and I tried to scrape my jaw off the floor she asked, “What do I need to take back?” My eyes still wide open and bulging out I said, “None of it.” She gave me this “get real” look, followed by, “but I spent $500!” I just smiled and responded, “That’s okay, I’ll pick up a few odd jobs and we’ll have the money back in no time.” While she was concerned about having the security of some cash in the bank, I wanted her to not hold back when it came to looking her best. It turns out wehold opposite relational needs that are best fulfilled by the other person. By obeying the platinum rule, I give her a sense of security by putting in the extra effort to assure there is money in the bank (something that also satisfies my relational need to provide) and she dresses to impress me … and dang she looks good. In marriage, “Do unto others as they want done unto them.” Discuss this article here...
Submitted by Joe Burnham
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